Bank of Bermuda

[Blankman]

--- A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.

 ''Twenty dollars' she whispers.

 Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It is a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face! "

[Buddha Bunny]

An expat male is seeking to join the new Bermuda Gun Task Force of the Bermuda Police.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot four gang-bangers, five drug dealers, six political extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Blankman]

So, I left out a copy of Brown's lastest jewel, municipal reform, on the floor. I woke up this morning and saw that my dog was outside taking care of it.

Made me think, of all the chores done by voters, the least enjoyable is undoubtedly cleaning up their Premier's waste products, aka legislation. An undesirable but necessary task, it is important to dispose of waste promptly and properly. Viruses, bacteria and parasites can be spread in the yard. Brown's policies attract flies and other insects, damage lawns, make walking hazardous and just plain smells bad.  There are laws prohibiting the disposal of Brown legislation in the garbage. Here are some options for keeping your home and environment clean and free of this disgusting waste.

Waste Management Companies

You may be surprised to know that there are companies who deal with Brown legislation removal as their sole business. These services are arranged on a contract basis and you decide how often you want them to clean the area and from there you simply pay a service fee.

The fees may vary on how often they visit your home, the size of your yard or how much legislation Brown has recently passed or even introduce. The legislation is taken to locations that comply with waste disposal laws. If you don't want anything to do with picking up your yard, this is the best option for you.

Inground Septic Systems

Even if you have a small yard, consider installing an inground septic system. This is a plastic cylinder that is buried in the ground and functions to break down the waste by the use of enzymes and other natural processes. It requires minimal effort to install. The collected legislation is deposited into the receptacle and a special packet of enzymes begins the process. Water is absorbed leaving behind odorless byproducts. You still have to clean the yard but these systems are a simple, easy and effective way of dealing with the never-ending supply of legislation your president leaves behind.

Flushable Bags

A product made of biodegradable paper is designed for use in your home plumbing. The legislation is collected and deposited in the flushable bag and from there it simply goes down the toilet. The bag breaks down without causing any backups in your plumbing. These bags are a good option if you live in a home with limited or no yard space or if your president legislates during walks in public areas.

Do-It-Yourself

Don't be discouraged if clean-up chores are left up to you. Unpleasant as it may be, there is some advantage in picking up after your Premier as it serves as a valuable health monitor. If your Premier legislates out of your line of sight on a regular basis, cleaning up the waste may be the only time you become aware of a health problem. Legislation that is off-color, contains blood or mucus or has turned to diarrhea is a reason to contact your MP. You may also see parasites or foreign material in the legislation, another cause for voter attention.

Many innovative people are sympathetic to our plight and a variety of products have been developed to make the collection process easier. Specially made scoopers eliminate the need for bending and have spring loaded traps so they can be easily operated. There are specialized scoops with bag attachments so the legislation falls right into a disposable bag. There are even scoop and broom combinations. A visit to your local pet supply store will surprise you with a variety of options.

There may be restrictions regarding the disposal of Brown's legislative waste. Check with your waste disposal company to see if special conditions apply.

[Martin]

Why do I get the feeling that one day we are either all going to hell - or going to be sued?

Nice one Blanks. 

[Tryangle]

Why is it that when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant all her girlfriends rub her belly and say "Congratulations" but no-one rubs your dick and says "Good job".

I used this line on the wife last year, unsurprisingly she wasn't that impressed, and unfortunately (since I'm sure she passed the sentiment to her friends) I hadn't got any offers either, lol.

[Martin]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic some years ago, the UK Government could track a single cow, born in Bourne in Lincolnshire almost three years previously, and even determine the stall where she slept?

Not only that, but they could even track her calves to their stalls.
 
And yet, they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around the country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow...?

[Martin]

Everyone keeps talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don't we just give them Bermudas? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries, and we're not using it anymore.

[Buddha Bunny]

Well said Martin!!!  WFs!

[Renaissance Man]

RACISM
                               
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream racism these days.
                                       
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
                                       
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
                                       
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you  something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
                                       
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
                                       
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
                                       
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
                                       
The clerk replied, "Well, sir, it's because you're in Home Depot."

[Blankman]

RACISM
                               
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream racism these days.
                                       
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage shark hash?"
                                       
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish Bermudian?"
                                       
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you  something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
                                       
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
                                       
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
                                       
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish Bermudian because I asked for Polish sausage shark hash?"
                                       
The clerk replied, "Well, sir, it's because you're in Home Depot."

Just felt the story needed a local touch ...

[Blankman]

The Bermuda Medical Association has weighed in on FutureCare.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a***hole in charge.

[Blankman]

A short spelling lesson:
 
1.    The last four letters in "American"  =  I Can

2.    The last four letters in "Republican" = I Can

3.    The last four letters in "Democrats" =  Rats

End of Lesson.

Test to follow in November.
 
 

[Buddha Bunny]

This message was brought to you by the Republican Party...  And Blankman approved this message!

[Martin]

A Redneck passed away and left his entire Estate to his beloved widow . .. . Unfortunately, under the terms of the will, she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ......"Go ahead".

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? Apparently, they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder: (1) The DNA is all the same (2) There are no dental records.

Who invented the toothbrush? A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush).

Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down? 'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . Up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

[Buddha Bunny]

What's 40 feet long, and has fifteen teeth...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The front row of a Willie Nelson concert!!